Chapter 4

So I have finally come up to a point where I can afford to search.  I can finally learning my story.  I never thought that I would be dened contact.  It never even crossed my mind.  I send the money, letter and pictures to the agency crone.  I had one natural mother ask me if I was prepared for that possibility.  Looking back, I was no where ready to make contact.  You think you are prepared for all of it. Sadly Indiana adoptees don’t have much choice on how their parents are contacted.  If I had known what I know now, I would not have had the agency contact my mother.

I spent close to a year searching.  Searching rabidly like a wounded animal striving for survival.  I was beyond  desperation.  I was obsessed searching for a clue any clue.  I called all the women in Indiana with the first name used at the home.  I called people across this country.  I had a couple of odd calls.  I couldn’t tell you for sure if it was her or not.  I got to the point where I got physically ill.  I absolutely could not search anymore.

I had a fantasy after this search.  I dreamt that I found her.  I compete in rodeo craft shows.  I fantasized that i would meet her there.  We would great each other at the Coliseum.  We both would be crying and holding each other.  Year after year has gone by.  No reunion.  No phone calls.  Just silence over the years.  The longing has become a dull ache that I just try to survive each day.

Seriously how could a mother deny her own child?  I can’t fathom it at all.  Still can’t after three years.  I am a mother to two children.  I could not deny them their truth.  According to Native American culture, it takes ten generations to heal the rift a problem like this can cause.  It takes that long to re establish the roots of what is my family.  When I was denied contact, I called an adoptee friend, my husband, and much later my  adoptive mother.  All three told me to have patience.  That she would change her mind.  Three years later, still no answers.

In the process I have learned many things.  Most natural mothers don’t want to be contacted via the state or agency CI program. Its been statistically proven with both New Hampshire and Oregon statistics.  Its also been proven that there was no proof of “birth mother” confidentiality.  In fact, there is this one woman from the Right to Life side of things that keeps screaming it.  There have been comments from her daughter supposedly.  This person states that she only contacted her once.  It really makes one wonder what the real story behind this woman.  The mothers want the states and the agencies out of their business.

More and more mothers are becoming concerned with pre relinquishment circumstances.  I can understand that.  They want to prevent what happened to them.  Being one of the adopted, I know that this road has not been easy.  Its taken me on a wide range of emotions.  I have been in so deep of depression that I and others didn’t see me coming out of it.   I have been obcessed with finding to the exclusion of my family.  I hate even more now leaving myself bare and available. I have left my heart open only to have it stabbed time and time again.

I have become quietly active in the adoptee rights movement.  I write legislators.  I write newspapers.  Sadly though, Indiana legislators don’t care about either adoptees or their families.  They just care about the income the adoption industry brings into their state.  The adoption industry also spans other industries too.  They also profit off surrogacy and fertility  as well.

I have spoken with several other Indiana adoptees and mothers.   Several Indiana legislators have been playing each group against each other.  The adoption industry in the state of Indiana is intentionally changing our information.  Many of  us are paying the industry for information that is false.  The state doesn’t have the money to pay for the additional staff to adequately monitor the Indiana passive registry.  They changed the laws several years ago.  They have no improved the lives of those living adoption.

Where does it leave me now?  I honestly don’t know.  I am just floating through life.  My adoptee issues are no closer to be resolved.  I don’t even know what to feel about adoption.  I have seen it in different lights, both good and back.

Unknown Indy Baby Girl

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2 Responses

  1. I’m so sorry that you have had such a bad experience. I think the way legislators and the government treats adoptees and first mothers is horrible. As a reunited birth mom I have often thot that even tho my daughter and I have ups and downs and she still keeps me at arms distance after 23is years, I would still have rather found her than not. We mostly get along great but she doesn’t seem to understand that I would never ever want to replace the family that raised her. I’ve only wanted to add to the love in her life, not take from it.

    Open birth records is only the beginning. The search after can still be a long one. I hope you find your birth mother someday.

    Teri Brown
    Adoption Records Handbook
    http://www.CraryPublications.com

  2. Please hang in there! I have been where you are; in such a deep dark hole at times that it feels you will never see light again.
    But because you are have searched and are trying to heal, it will happen.
    I have finally started to realize (after being rejected by my birth mother) that I have to love myself the way I wish she loved me.
    Its not easy but you can heal, I promise!

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