Chapter Seven

What do I do now?  I have one option open to me but I can not really afford it.  I could get a real court sanctioned confidential intermediary.  There is a part of me that just hates absolutely hates contributing to the system.  This one CI is good.  She is very good.  It is not her.  I think she would do right by me.  I have spoken with her enough times.  In fact, I need to contact her again to let her know that I was recommending her all over the place.   I don’t recommend the agency CI whatsoever.  Heck she is the former agency director.  She is also an adoptive parent. She has reason to keep whatever is so secretive in my file just that secret.

I want to find but I am reluctant to raise the money.  I could use it on so many other things.  I won’t accept money from others to help me find.  I just can’t do that.  I keep hoping against hope itself that Indiana will open the records eventually.  I hope my daughters won’t have to fight this battle years down the road.  I hope that they won’t have health issues coming from my undetermined side of the family.

I read recently in an Indian heritage book.  It takes ten generations in order to correct the rift that adoption causes.  It will take that long before my tree will be rerooted.

Another legislative session begins soon in Indiana.  I will again begin to write letters to legislators.  Hopefully I can get them to listen to me and to the others living adoption.

Chapter Six

At this point in my life, I don’t know what to think of adoption.  Its corrupt and that is very obvious.  I spoke with the local U. S. Congressman.  The oh we don’t handle adoption problems.  We handle only things on a federal level.  Well by God, investigate the adoption industry.  How many people have to be hurt by the adoption industry in order for you to take action?  Well its a presidential election year.  Both of the candidates are speaking about it.  Yea they are talking about making it easier.  It doesn’t need to be easier.  It needs to stop so that it can be federally investigated. I am tired of children dying.  I am tired of the money behind it.

I can’t hate all adoption and adoptive parents.  I feel that would mean that I have to hate my own adoptive family.  I just can’t do that.  I can’t.  I love my adoptive mother and my adoptive sisters.  I do my best to honor my adoptive father.  He passed away a few years ago.

I can’t hate my first mother either.  Even though she denied contact, I can’t hate her.  I know the typical maternity home story.  I have read Ann Fessler’s book, The Girls Who Went Away.  I know how horribly that she was treated.  Where does it leave me?   How do I move forward when I don’t know my past?  Why is it okay that others know their past but because I am adopted that I can’t?  Something is just wrong with this.

I have written legislators in Indiana repetitively.  They tell me that they want to protect “the birthmothers from their unwanted children.”  Yea I gagged on that one.  Then the first mothers of Indiana tell me that they have written their legislators.  They get told that the adoptee must be protected from them.  We just can’t win.  I think honestly even if the adoptive parents stood up and stated that they wanted the adoptees to have access to those records, the legislators still wouldn’t listen.  So what is it going to take to make them listen?  Would it take adoption agencies that believe in adoptee access?  Somehow I don’t think so either.

Too many Right to Life organizations contribute to these legislators.  Too many legislators are attorneys.  Many of the ACLU attorneys have become adoption agency attorneys as well.  Its sickening that this is about money.  Pure money.

Catholic Charities controls the records in Indiana.  In fact, the CI from St. Elizabeth Coleman is now doing the contacting for the Child Welfare Department.  Instead of the charge that they charge (which is $325) their adoptees and mothers, they are charging for $1,000.  Talk about discouraging people from searching.  These agencies are charging way too much.  They get the mothers, then they get the adoptive parents, and then they get the adoptees or the mothers again.

This kind of crap is ridiculous.  Why don’t the legislators care?  I don’t know.  I will start voting out those that don’t.  Remember I vote.

Unknown Indy Baby Girl

Chapter 4

So I have finally come up to a point where I can afford to search.  I can finally learning my story.  I never thought that I would be dened contact.  It never even crossed my mind.  I send the money, letter and pictures to the agency crone.  I had one natural mother ask me if I was prepared for that possibility.  Looking back, I was no where ready to make contact.  You think you are prepared for all of it. Sadly Indiana adoptees don’t have much choice on how their parents are contacted.  If I had known what I know now, I would not have had the agency contact my mother.

I spent close to a year searching.  Searching rabidly like a wounded animal striving for survival.  I was beyond  desperation.  I was obsessed searching for a clue any clue.  I called all the women in Indiana with the first name used at the home.  I called people across this country.  I had a couple of odd calls.  I couldn’t tell you for sure if it was her or not.  I got to the point where I got physically ill.  I absolutely could not search anymore.

I had a fantasy after this search.  I dreamt that I found her.  I compete in rodeo craft shows.  I fantasized that i would meet her there.  We would great each other at the Coliseum.  We both would be crying and holding each other.  Year after year has gone by.  No reunion.  No phone calls.  Just silence over the years.  The longing has become a dull ache that I just try to survive each day.

Seriously how could a mother deny her own child?  I can’t fathom it at all.  Still can’t after three years.  I am a mother to two children.  I could not deny them their truth.  According to Native American culture, it takes ten generations to heal the rift a problem like this can cause.  It takes that long to re establish the roots of what is my family.  When I was denied contact, I called an adoptee friend, my husband, and much later my  adoptive mother.  All three told me to have patience.  That she would change her mind.  Three years later, still no answers.

In the process I have learned many things.  Most natural mothers don’t want to be contacted via the state or agency CI program. Its been statistically proven with both New Hampshire and Oregon statistics.  Its also been proven that there was no proof of “birth mother” confidentiality.  In fact, there is this one woman from the Right to Life side of things that keeps screaming it.  There have been comments from her daughter supposedly.  This person states that she only contacted her once.  It really makes one wonder what the real story behind this woman.  The mothers want the states and the agencies out of their business.

More and more mothers are becoming concerned with pre relinquishment circumstances.  I can understand that.  They want to prevent what happened to them.  Being one of the adopted, I know that this road has not been easy.  Its taken me on a wide range of emotions.  I have been in so deep of depression that I and others didn’t see me coming out of it.   I have been obcessed with finding to the exclusion of my family.  I hate even more now leaving myself bare and available. I have left my heart open only to have it stabbed time and time again.

I have become quietly active in the adoptee rights movement.  I write legislators.  I write newspapers.  Sadly though, Indiana legislators don’t care about either adoptees or their families.  They just care about the income the adoption industry brings into their state.  The adoption industry also spans other industries too.  They also profit off surrogacy and fertility  as well.

I have spoken with several other Indiana adoptees and mothers.   Several Indiana legislators have been playing each group against each other.  The adoption industry in the state of Indiana is intentionally changing our information.  Many of  us are paying the industry for information that is false.  The state doesn’t have the money to pay for the additional staff to adequately monitor the Indiana passive registry.  They changed the laws several years ago.  They have no improved the lives of those living adoption.

Where does it leave me now?  I honestly don’t know.  I am just floating through life.  My adoptee issues are no closer to be resolved.  I don’t even know what to feel about adoption.  I have seen it in different lights, both good and back.

Unknown Indy Baby Girl

Hello World!

I am Unknown Indy Baby Girl.  I am an Indiana adoptee.  This blog will reflect my life story as an adoptee.  My experiences will always reflect those of an adoptee living in the United States.  I am fourty three years old.  I was born in the heat of the summer.  I have all of my non identifying information.  I have also utilized all of the available resources that Indiana has to offer.  The process has left me angry, wornout, and hurt. 

I will join the rank and file of adoptees around the country in fighting for access to my original birth certificate.  This blog reflects my personal thoughts, emotions, and reactions to adoption.  So sit back.  I will tell you the story that I have been told. 

Unknown Indy Baby Girl